Imagine the scenario… a friend, colleague, member of your football squad or fellow parent at the school gate is in front of you with a look of pain on their face, massaging their shoulder. What would you say?

It’s not a trick question. There’s no right answer, but I’m guessing you’d come up with some variation of “are you okay?”. We all have a body. We’ve all felt pain at points in our lives. We know how it feels. We can empathise. We’ve all been offered help and support by caring friends or relatives, and been assisted to recover or to live with the injury, illness or condition.

No prizes for guessing where I’m going with this. The fact that we all have a body means we all understand that people get injured or ill. We accept that physical health is a thing that we all have and someone’s physical health can be excellent, terrible or (more usually) somewhere in between, and can change from day to day.

By that logic the fact that we all have a brain means that we should also understand that people get mentally ill. We should accept that mental health is a thing that we all have and someone’s mental health can be excellent, terrible or (more usually) somewhere in between, and can change from day to day. Are you with me? Great!

Let’s imagine another scenario (apologies if you’re ahead if me)… a friend, colleague, member of your football squad or fellow parent at the school gate is in front of you and you’ve noticed that recently something is different about them. They don’t smile like they used to, or they get angry at small things, or their hair, make-up, clothes, etc aren’t up to their usual standard. What would you say?

It’s a trickier question, isn’t it? I definitely think so. Asking about someone’s mental wellbeing is different to asking about their physical wellbeing. I’ve got three suggestions. They’re by no means definitive and I would love to add more so please share yours and let’s get better at talking about mental health together!

1. Talk to them. “You don’t seem yourself…” is a good opener. You can follow it up with your preferred form of words “what’s up?”, “are you okay?” or whatever comes naturally to you. You can also share an observation “I’ve noticed that…” – it’s a factual statement that can’t be brushed off quite as easily as a generic “how are you?” question. Imagine if someone said it to you. How would you answer? How would you feel? Realising that someone has noticed you and how you’re feeling can be very powerful.
2. Message them. Preface your message with “You don’t need to answer this if you don’t want to…” or say that in your own words. That’s important because if someone is feeling overwhelmed by life another message requiring an answer will be stressful. Then ask how they are, tell them you’ve noticed or…
3. Offer support. This can be anything really, but some ideas as a starter are: take them for a cuppa or go for a walk together – walking or running with someone is a less awkward way to talk than sitting across a table from them. If you know them well enough then you may have ideas of what practical support could help, from a chocolate bar left on their doorstep to a meal rota shared with a group of friends.

You may need to be patient but persistent – in a kind way. If they’re not ready to talk or accept help yet make sure you leave the door open. When you’re struggling with your mental health you let people down, flake out on plans, cancel at the last moment. Keep inviting them. Keep messaging.

When it comes to conversation, silence is a powerful tool. Humans find silence uncomfortable. If you want to get someone to talk to you ask a question and then wait. You need to be actively listening, waiting for an answer. This can be a challenging way to approach things, but it can work incredibly well too.

And finally, look after your own mental health. It’s tough trying to support someone else so check your own wellbeing regularly. If it’s not a breech of confidence, then share the load with others. Being open and honest is never a bad thing, so tell people what you’re thinking, feeling and doing. You are a brilliant human being for caring enough about others to want to help, so always, always love yourself. Let’s all keep breaking down barriers and stigma together.