Yesterday I wrote about how to talk to someone about their mental health, but once you’ve persuaded someone to talk to you, what should you do? What does a person with a mental health condition need?

Help? Well, yes, sometimes there’s an urgent need for help. When a mental health condition is an emergency you should get help in the same way that you would with a medical emergency. The NHS website has good advice here. Please have a read because one day you might need to know this.

By all means encourage your friend to seek help from a qualified professional – you can use the NHS link above as a starting point – but it’s not your job to fix them and that isn’t what they need you for. I’m going to stick my neck out and say that what a person with a mental health condition needs most from their friends is understanding.

You see, mental illness is an absolute arse. It makes you feel terrible while simultaneously undermining any efforts you can make to feel better. Mental illness stops you seeking help because it tells you that you don’t deserve it. It keeps you away from your friends and puts up a wall between you and the rest of the world.

Mental illness isolates you. It sucks the joy from everything you once loved and makes you feel that you are to blame. It whispers lies in your ears. It tells you that you should be able to do things while preventing you from doing them. It convinces you that you’re not good enough no matter how hard you try. It’s exhausting.

The hardest thing to explain to someone with good mental health is that none of it really makes sense, even to you.

Here’s an example:

You’re invited out. It doesn’t really matter what the invitation is – a drink, a party, a game of rounders, a social run…

Your head says “I want to go… at least, I want to want to go… I might feel better if I went… but I might feel worse. What if no one speaks to me? They don’t really want me there. What if I cry or throw up or have a panic attack? I could stay at home this time. I’ll go next time.”

You send a message that says “Sorry. Something came up. I can’t make it.”

Your friend messages back saying “That’s a shame. Maybe next time”.

Your head says “I can read between the lines. They’re glad I’m not going. They’re sick of me flaking on them. They’ll never invite me again.”

And you feel so lonely as your rogue brain plays an imaginary movie of the fun going on without you, and you wish you could have gone, but you couldn’t. You can’t say why because if you said it aloud it would sound ridiculous.

You can be the friend who is understanding even if you don’t really understand.

Be the friend who doesn’t give up no matter how many times they’re let down at the last minute.

Be the friend who says “you can tell me how you’re feeling. I won’t judge and I won’t run away.”

Be the friend who comes up with less threatening suggestions, smaller groups or one-to-one activities.

Be the friend who says “I’ll be with you. I won’t leave you on your own. We can go home whenever you want to, even if it’s only been two minutes.”

And when the person starts to feel better, be the friend who puts their name back on the guest list!